when is the train going to come?

When I was in college, I studied abroad in England for a semester, and the school calendar included a whole glorious month off for spring break. Two of my best friends and I took the opportunity to backpack around Europe together, bopping around from Portugal to Spain to France to Germany. We traveled mostly by train, which was awesome. As someone born and raised in California, my experience with train travel was extremely limited; in Los Angeles at that time, our public transportation system was pretty much just buses that never ran on time. {The L.A. metro system has been wonderfully expanded since then, and now in the Bay Area I often take the BART train.} But back then it was a marvelously new experience for me to travel by train, much less travel from country to country that way! I loved gazing out the window as the changing landscapes rolled by.

Mostly, the trains were very impressively on time. But there was one day in particular that sticks out in my mind. It was about mid-way through our trip, mid-way through the day. We were grungy and tired and hungry, and our train was delayed. We were told it would be at least a couple hours. So we left the station and explored the little village a bit. It was a Sunday and most of the stores were closed. We ended up buying snacks from a mini-mart shop and eating them back at the station. We sat there on the train platform, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. We stood up. We paced around. We looked down the long, empty tracks.

Logically, I knew the train would eventually come. But emotionally? It felt, in that moment, like the train was never going to come.

 *

In the years since, I’ve come to think of waiting on that half-empty platform for that delayed-and-delayed-again train as a metaphor for life.

Yes, there are many things you can control. You can work hard. You can maintain a fierce curiosity about the world. You can consistently gain knowledge in your field. You can believe in yourself and in your abilities. You can set goals and take little steps, every day, to move forward towards your dreams.

But there is also a lot that you can’t control: luck, serendipity, chance. Timing and fate. The whimsies and opinions and subjectivities of other people.

You can buy your train ticket and stand on the platform, gazing down the track, ready and waiting. But you can’t control when the train is going to come.

More than fifteen years ago, when I was a freshman in high school, I wrote a personal essay titled “The Role of a Lifetime.” It was about my second-grade teacher who cast me in the lead role of our class play, even though I was painfully shy. How her confidence in me sparked a self-confidence that I still carry to this day. Mostly, I wrote the piece as a tribute to a phenomenal teacher who truly went above and beyond for her students.

I was proud of that essay. I worked hard on it. I edited and rewrote it, asked for feedback and rewrote it again. I submitted it to a Chicken Soup for the Soul anthology about teachers. But it was rejected.

A couple years later, I saw a call for submissions for another Chicken Soup anthology about teachers. Excited, I submitted the essay again. Again, it was not chosen for publication.

I was disappointed. I read the essay again with fresh eyes. I still liked it. I was still proud of it.

Over the years, I submitted that essay many other times to many other publication opportunities and contests. In return, I received nothing but rejection letters.

Last year—more than fifteen years after I wrote the essay—I saw a call for submissions for the upcoming Chicken Soup anthology Inspiration for Teachers. “What do you have to lose?” I thought. And I submitted my essay again.

Guess what? This time, after all this time, my essay was accepted. “The Role of a Lifetime” is going to be published later this year. My story about an amazing teacher is going to be shared. This particular train finally pulled into the station. I’m so glad I didn’t give up and leave the platform too soon.

*

Lately I’ve been listening to the most recent Blind Pilot album on repeat. One of my favorite songs is called “Don’t Doubt” and here are my favorite lyrics:

Don’t you doubt
Everybody’s seen some winter
Don’t you just take the dark way out

I think “the dark way out” means making excuses for yourself. Stacking up your reasons to quit and building those reasons into a prison around yourself. Letting yourself think that just because you sometimes doubt yourself, it means that you should give into those doubts. No. It just means that you’re human and you’re not an emotionless robot. But strength equals fighting against your moments of doubt with hope and grit and persistence. Remember — everybody’s seen some winter.

For the past three weeks, my sweetheart has been waiting on a phone call. At first, he felt very confident that the call was going to come. But as the days slipped by, he grew less and less certain. Eventually, he began using humor to deal with the situation—every day, he would joke with me about the various reasons he might not have received the phone call yet. Throughout the day, we would pretend to cheer on this person, as if picking up the phone was a physical task that required Herculean effort. I could tell that Allyn was doing all he could to fight off his doubts and to keep his faith in the potential of the situation.

And then, quite suddenly, the phone call did come. And it was exactly the outcome he had been waiting for, hoping for, and working towards for a very long time.

I know this might sound cliched, but it’s true—the success meant more to him because of the winding, difficult path it took to get there. The questions and doubts make the answers, when they finally come, that much richer.

I love this blog post Alex Franzen wrote about making excuses and making progress. She writes: “You can make excuses or you can make yourself proud. You can make excuses or you can make progress. You can make excuses or you can make art. Every day, it’s your choice.”

*

So what do you do? What do I do? What can any of us do?

You hold onto that patience and you nurture that faith inside of you. You keep working hard. You keep taking little daily steps towards your goals. You keep learning. You keep believing in yourself and believing in that train. Stare off down those tracks. Because it’s coming. It’s coming, and you want to be ready when it does.

 

Your turn {if you want}:

  • What is a doubt that you are currently holding in your heart? What would it feel like to let this doubt go?
  • Write about a time when you felt like “the train was never going to come.” What ended up happening? Looking back, what would you tell yourself in that situation?
  • What is an excuse you are making to yourself right now? How can you move past that excuse and take the first action step towards something you desire?

daffodils

The first time I remember noticing daffodils popping up in the springtime was my junior year of college. This might sound crazy to some of you—that I was into my second decade on this planet before I paid those bright yellow flowers any mind. But I grew up in a Southern California beach town and went to college in Los Angeles. We had warm weather and sunshine the whole year round. I don’t remember nature changing much with the seasons. Maybe the hills grew a little browner in the summer, a little greener in the spring. But palm trees don’t shed their fronds in the autumn, and I don’t remember any daffodils.

My junior year of college, during the spring semester, everything changed. My world expanded. I studied abroad in England in a small university town called Norwich. It was a truly magical season of my life, though of course I didn’t know that at the beginning. The truth? I was terrified. I was so homesick that I couldn’t even think about my homesickness because I was worried it would paralyze me. Instead, I told myself over and over again how excited I was. I stoked my excitement like it was the first sparks of a fire.

I had decided to study abroad because I loved the idea of living in England and traveling around a foreign country, and I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone. Waaay out of my comfort zone. You see, I was the child who never made it through a sleepover without calling my parents to come pick me up. I was the high school senior who didn’t even apply to any colleges outside of California because I couldn’t imagine not being a short drive away from my hometown. I guess you might say that, for me, studying abroad was a sink-or-swim decision. I had a feeling I would always regret it if I didn’t study abroad. So I went to the info meeting. I filled out all the paperwork. I put down my deposit for a dorm room and registered for classes at the University of East Anglia. It didn’t seem quite real until the early morning, a week after New Year’s, when my parents drove me to LAX and I hugged them goodbye. Of course, I cried. It all felt surreal. But, I told myself, this was what I wanted.

When I arrived, it was early January and the sun sank at 4pm. I had never been so far from home. It was pre-smartphone days, though we did have Skype, so I could talk to my parents and my brother. But it was a twelve-hour time difference and it felt, for the first time in my life, like I was trying to navigate this world—this life—on my own. I arrived by bus with nothing more than one large suitcase and the tightly grasped knowledge, deep within me, that I could do this. This was an opportunity to be my best self, right from the get-go. No one here had any preconceptions about me. Which was lonely—but also liberating.

That first day when I arrived, I remember buying a frozen dinner from the on-campus grocery store. {Soon, I would learn that the better shops and restaurants and real grocery stores were in town, a short bus ride away.} I remember staring out the kitchen windows at the inky darkness as I microwaved the frozen chicken curry in my quiet dorm kitchen. That first day, jet-lagged, I ate dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon. My first friend, a British student in my dorm named Stevie, teased me for eating dinner at an old-person’s time. But he sat with me and gave me the low-down on campus life and answered my questions. I was immediately grateful for his friendliness, and for the other students in my dorm—or, my “flat” as the British kids called dorms—who trickled in over the rest of the weekend, returning to school from winter break. They were gregarious and fun and welcomed me beyond my wildest dreams. By the end of the first week, I felt like I had found “my people.”

The campus really was beautiful, and pretty much the exact opposite of my urban Los Angeles experience. My dorm-room window looked out onto a wide expanse of wild grass and a large pond surrounded by a dirt path, and a marshy area farther on that you could explore for hours. It reminded me of Wuthering Heights. It was exactly what I had dreamed England to be like. What I hadn’t expected were the wild bunny rabbits, hopping around everywhere. And I hadn’t expected the daffodils.

My first couple months in England were cold and rainy. I had brought along a big tan downy jacket that I affectionately dubbed “Poufy Coat” or “Poufy” for short. One weekend, it snowed, and everyone ran outside and spun around in the falling flakes, sticking out our tongues and laughing. Snow wasn’t very common—not like later, when I would live in Indiana—so I wasn’t the only one who was excited. By Monday morning, all the snow had melted.

Shortly after that snow, the daffodils began popping up. I remember looking out my bedroom window and seeing the grass studded with yellow. Walking to class, I’d smile at clutches of daffodils, nodding along the sidewalk like little surprise gifts. They seemed like special messengers, sent to remind us: Spring is coming. Spring is on its way. Don’t worry—this 4pm darkness isn’t going to last forever.

And before long, before we knew it, spring did come. The days grew longer, warmer. It was the longest semester of my life because so much was new, but it also passed by in an eye-blink. Soon, we found ourselves on the cusp of summer. We studied for final exams sprawled out in the sunshine on the grassy lawn. We picnicked on blankets and ate ice cream cones. We ordered another round of drinks at the pub, sitting outside to savor the late rays of sunlight. And then, suddenly—even though we’d been moving towards it all semester long—school was out for the summer. I hugged my friends goodbye, promising to always stay in touch. I packed up my large suitcase and took the bus into town for the last time, where I caught a train and then the Tube to the London airport. I flew back home, feeling like not quite a different person than I had been when I left six months prior—but not quite the same person, either. I felt… like me, only bigger. Braver. More whole somehow.

I think of my days in England often. I especially think of them during this time of year, when the daffodils spring up. Where I live now, in Northern California, we have a greater change of seasons than we did in Southern California. Here, I occasionally glimpse a row of cheerful daffodils.

Daffodils give me hope, and not just because of what they symbolize. Yes, they remind me spring is coming. Yes, they remind me that the darkness won’t always last. But even more than that, they make me think of change. Of what we are planting within us now, that will emerge to fruition much later.

We plant daffodils in the fall. They nestle there in the soil for months, under the cold and rain and snow. And then, just when maybe we’ve forgotten about them, or have started to worry they won’t come up after all—just then, they pop their green tips above the surface of the soil. They grow upwards towards the tentative sunlight. They open their yellow faces to smile at us.

A lot of seeds—or maybe you’d call them bulbs—were planted within me during my semester abroad in England. I planted daffodils during that semester that wouldn’t break through the soil until years later. I planted daffodils that I never knew I would depend upon until, years later, I wept to see them. Bulbs of courage, of open-heartedness, of faith. Of plunging forward into something new even though it was scary and even though I didn’t feel quite ready. Of embracing the unknown. Of surprising myself. Of pushing past my comfort zone, into the glorious blank slate of a new adventure.

I’m still planting daffodil bulbs. Each day, I plant something new, digging into the soil of my life with equal parts grit and faith, believing that one day in the future—maybe when I least expect it—a new sprig of green will burst up into my life and bloom.

 

Your turn {if you want}:

Grab your journal or open up a new document on your computer and free-write whatever comes to mind when you think of these questions.

  • What daffodils are you planting in your life right now?
  • What is an experience you have plunged into, even though you felt nervous or scared?
  • When have you stretched outside your comfort zone?
  • Write about a time you surprised yourself.

a year of Wooden: week 43

Hi, friends! We’re officially three days into December, which means we are moving into our final month of this year of Wooden challenge!

For the month of December, we’ll be focusing on my favorite item of Coach John Wooden’s 7-Point Creed {which you may have been able to guess from the title of this blog!}… Make each day your masterpiece. In other words, we’re going to be tying everything together — all that we’ve learned and all the ways we’ve grown through this challenge the past eleven months!

a year of wooden

  • January: Drink deeply from good books
  • February: Make friendship a fine art
  • March: Help others
  • April: Build a shelter against a rainy day {financially}
  • May: Be true to yourself
  • June: Give thanks for your blessings every day
  • July: Love
  • August: Balance
  • September: Drink deeply from good poetry
  • October: Make friendship a fine art {new friends}
  • November: Pray for guidance.
  • December: Make each day your masterpiece.

Before we move on to December, let’s wrap up November, when our focus was to pray for guidance. Last week’s challenge, in honor of Thanksgiving, was to pray about everything you are grateful for and journal about your feelings. After a week of praying about everything that I am grateful for, I felt filled with abundance and joy. On a related note, I wrote an essay for Chicken Soup for the Soul about the wonderful life changes I experienced from the simple act of counting my blessings each night while falling asleep. You can read it here!

Moving into December, I think the foundation of “making each day a masterpiece” is having a true awareness of how you spend your day. What is your daily routine? Once you know all the details and idiosyncrasies of your routine, you can work on squeezing all the richness out of your days as possible. 

In that spirit, this week’s challenge {which was inspired by one of my favorite bloggers, Nicole Antoinette} is to keep an activity log for one or two or three days about how you spend your time — every minute of it! For example:

  • What time do you wake up?
  • What time do you go to bed?
  • How often do you check your email?
  • How much time do you spend browsing the Internet or watching TV?

It might feel a bit cumbersome at first to keep track of your day like this, but it is an important step. You are creating an honest assessment, there on paper in black and white, of how you spend your days — which is, in turn, how you spend your life. Be as detailed as possible!

And be honest. There’s nothing wrong with watching TV or playing video games; be honest and keep track of how you feel. If you notice feelings of guilt or discomfort about any parts of your daily routine, take note of those feelings. We’ll unpack all of this next week!  

Question for the day:

  • How did last week of praying for guidance go for you?

a year of Wooden: week 42

Happy Monday! Before we get into this week’s year of Wooden post, I wanted to take a moment to thank you for all your kind comments, emails and words of encouragement after my post last week! It is always a little scary to make yourself vulnerable, but one of my goals as a blogger is to be honest with you guys — not to edit my life into a Pinterest-worthy highlight reel, but instead to give you a true picture of my ups and downs, highs and lows, nitty-gritty daily living. Thank you for always being so supportive!

a year of wooden

  • January: Drink deeply from good books
  • February: Make friendship a fine art
  • March: Help others
  • April: Build a shelter against a rainy day {financially}
  • May: Be true to yourself
  • June: Give thanks for your blessings every day
  • July: Love
  • August: Balance
  • September: Drink deeply from good poetry
  • October: Make friendship a fine art {new friends}
  • November: Pray for guidance.

Our focus for November comes from Coach Wooden’s 7-Point Creed: “Pray for guidance.”

Last week’s challenge was to pray about a big dream or goal you have for the future. I have a variety of dreams and goals I want to pursue — sometimes the trickiest part is choosing what to give attention to, and what to put on the back-burner. Thanks to last week’s prayers, I feel more centered and focused heading into these finals weeks of 2014. Excited to see what 2015 will bring!

This week’s challenge, in honor of Thanksgiving, is to pray about everything you are grateful for. When you wake up in the morning, journal about your feelings. 

Question for the day:

  • How did this week of praying for guidance go for you?

a year of Wooden: week 41

Hi, everyone! Hope your week is off to a wonderful start. Monday means that it’s time for a new year of Wooden post!

a year of wooden

  • January: Drink deeply from good books
  • February: Make friendship a fine art
  • March: Help others
  • April: Build a shelter against a rainy day {financially}
  • May: Be true to yourself
  • June: Give thanks for your blessings every day
  • July: Love
  • August: Balance
  • September: Drink deeply from good poetry
  • October: Make friendship a fine art {new friends}
  • November: Pray for guidance.

Our focus for November comes from Coach Wooden’s 7-Point Creed: “Pray for guidance.”

Last week’s challenge was to pray for guidance about something in your life that gives you questions or uncertainty. This past year I’ve experienced some setbacks and frustrations in my writing career, and even though I can’t imagine being anything other than a writer — writing is what I love deeply at my core — there have been some moments of doubt the past six months when I wondered if I was being realistic to think I could make a career out of it. But I kept plugging along, because that’s what I do. I kept writing and editing and sending my work out, logging rejections and sending my work out again, writing and writing and writing until my wrists ached.

Looking back, I think this “dry period” has been crucial for me — as an artist and as a person. I truly know now that I am writing for the love of it, writing what I want to write, writing what MATTERS to me, instead of worrying about money or marketing or selling or career-building. Although those things are important in their own way, they should never be front and center. As one of my favorite writers Elizabeth Berg told me, “First, please yourself.”

Which all goes to say that this past week, I prayed about my writing career, letting out all the questions and uncertainty and insecurities I have been bottling up inside me. And what did I receive in return? A resounding sense of peace and confidence that I am doing what I am meant to be doing. I received tangible confirmations this week, too: an acceptance for a short story I submitted months ago to North Dakota Quarterly; an update about a song-cycle being composed at Carnegie Mellon based upon a series my poems; and exciting developments regarding the novel I’ve been working on for the past three years.

All of this reminded me of one of my very favorite quotes by Coach Wooden:

things work out best quote

This week’s challenge is to pray about a big dream or goal you have for the future. Ask God or the universe or whatever you believe for guidance. When you wake up in the morning, journal about your feelings. 

Question for the day:

  • How did this week of praying for guidance go for you?

a year of Wooden: week 40

Happy Monday, friends! Just like that, it’s the start of another week. How was your weekend? I hope your week is off to a great start! I don’t have much on my agenda today other than worktime… hoping to plough through some tasks and make headway on a couple projects, because later this week is packed with fun things: friend date with Allyson on Thursday, going to my cousin Arianna’s play on Friday, and attending an event in San Francisco on Saturday night with Allyn as part of his MBA program. Woot!

Now it’s time for this week’s year of Wooden challenge!

a year of wooden

  • January: Drink deeply from good books
  • February: Make friendship a fine art
  • March: Help others
  • April: Build a shelter against a rainy day {financially}
  • May: Be true to yourself
  • June: Give thanks for your blessings every day
  • July: Love
  • August: Balance
  • September: Drink deeply from good poetry
  • October: Make friendship a fine art {new friends}
  • November: Pray for guidance.

Our focus for November comes from Coach Wooden’s 7-Point Creed: “Pray for guidance.”

Last week’s challenge was to pray for guidance about an issue in your life that causes you worry or stress. Lately I have been feeling stressed out over little things — running late; not feeling like I have enough time in the day; always rushing. I don’t like the feeling, but I wasn’t quite sure how to make it better. For the past few weeks, it’s felt like no matter how much I tried to de-stress and savor daily life, the more stressed I would become about NOT being able to do so! I was trapped in a downspiral of stress. However, after two or three days of praying and journaling, I felt a LOT more at peace. My go-go-go, hurry-hurry-hurry feeling began to subside. Even on Saturday, which is my most stressful, harried day of the week, I felt more centered, balanced and calm.

This week’s challenge is to think of something in your life that you have questions or uncertainty about. Each night this week, pray on this issue. Ask God or the universe or whatever you believe for guidance. When you wake up in the morning, journal about your feelings. 

Question for the day:

  • How did this week of praying for guidance go for you?

a year of Wooden: week 39

Happy Tuesday, friends! My arm is SORE from getting my flu shot yesterday! Other than that, it’s a fairly quiet day around here: working, eating yummy food, going to yoga class tonight. What are you up to today?

Now it’s time for this week’s year of Wooden challenge… and a new month means a new focus!

a year of wooden

  • January: Drink deeply from good books
  • February: Make friendship a fine art
  • March: Help others
  • April: Build a shelter against a rainy day {financially}
  • May: Be true to yourself
  • June: Give thanks for your blessings every day
  • July: Love
  • August: Balance
  • September: Drink deeply from good poetry
  • October: Make friendship a fine art {new friends}
  • November: Pray for guidance.

But before we move on to November, let’s wrap up our October challenge: Make friendship a fine art, focusing on new friendships.

Last week’s challenge was to nurture and celebrate one of the new friendships you created this past month. I reached out to Allyson and made plans to get together again next week after I teach in Fremont. And I also made a new friend, Stephanie, at the Asante Africa dinner on Sunday night, so I’m hoping to get together with her sometime in the near future!

are you my friend

Now, moving on to the month of November! Our challenge for this month comes from Coach Wooden’s 7-Point Creed: “Pray for guidance.”

This week’s challenge is to think of an issue in your life that causes you worry or stress. Each night this week, pray on this issue. Ask God or the universe or whatever you believe for guidance. When you wake up in the morning, journal about your feelings. 

prayer quote Wooden

Question for the day:

  • What friendships did you nurture in the month of October?
  • Do you believe in the power of prayer?

on love, faith & truth: the legacy of dr. king

Hi there from a beautifully drizzly morning in the Bay Area!

drizzly morning

We are in the midst of a huge drought right now so are beyond happy for any rain or mist at all… waking up to the pitter-patter of rain on the roof was a truly delightful sound. Fingers crossed for more rainy days around here!

Now I’m sipping on green tea & a green smoothie for breakfast. I wanted to share with you some of the notes I took during the powerful and inspiring talk by Tavis Smiley that I was fortunate to attend yesterday in San Francisco at the Commonwealth Club… {it was actually recorded and the entire talk and Q&A session will be available here in the next few weeks.} The talk was centered around Tavis’s new book, Death of a King, about the last year of MLK’s life.

Death of a King

Tavis said he wanted to write a book “that everyday people can devour and enjoy and get to know Dr. King.” He explained, “I want to do my small part to make the world safe for the legacy of Dr. King: justice for all, service to others, and love that liberates people.”

Indeed, the main message that Tavis shared about MLK {or as Tavis called him, just Martin} was his belief in LOVE above all else. “Everything he did, he did in love.” Here are some more of my notes from the talk:

  • We are too often engaged in monologue and not enough in dialogue. Let’s engage in more dialogue with each other. That means, listening to each other.
  • Sometimes, silence is betrayal.
  • No matter what, MLK always stood in his truth.
  • What happened to LOVE in our public discourse? You can disagree with someone, but still approach them from a place of love.
  • Everyone is worthy just because.
  • MLK knew that he did not have a monopoly on the truth and that he was not right about everything {for example, his views on women were at times a little sexist or patriarchal.} But he was willing to learn.
  • Like water, he was able to go everywhere and relate to all different types of people.
  • Tavis’s definition of leadership: “You can’t lead people if you don’t love people. You can’t save people if you don’t serve people.”
  • Every day you get up, and you get another chance to get it right.

Tavis talk

Tavis always signs off his broadcasts on PBS with by saying, “Keep the faith.” During the Q&A, one of the audience members asked him how he defines faith. I really loved what he said:

“Faith is climbing up a dark staircase, where you can’t see the next step in front of you, but you step forward and trust that it is there.”

Afterwards, there was a book-signing and I went up and introduced myself and asked Tavis to sign two copies of his book: one for me and one for my dad. He gave me a big hug and, echoing MLK’s message — and Coach Wooden’s message, too — signed an inscription to my dad with the word “love.” It was the perfect ending to a really inspiring afternoon!

tavis inscription

Now I’m headed off to the gym, then back home for a quick shower before I meet my sweetheart for a lunch date. Have a love-filled day, everyone!

Questions for the morning:

  • What books are you reading and loving right now?
  • Have you ever gone to a speaker event or book talk before? What did you think of it?
  • What does “faith” mean to you?

Thirty Days of Love

Many members of my church are taking part in a social justice movement called “Thirty Days of Love” hosted by Standing on the Side of Love: Harnessing Love’s Power to Stop Oppression. This is a wonderful community of people from all religious backgrounds, faiths, and spiritual practices who are united in the common belief that love is the ultimate guiding force of our world. The Thirty Days of Love is “a period of intentional action, service, education, and reflection to focus on this essential work.” You can sign up to receive an email every day with essential questions to consider and reflect upon.

I found yesterday’s message by Alex Patchin McNeill, the Executive Director of More Light Presbyterians, to be particularly moving. I wanted to share his words with you:

“As you move through your day today, I invite you to practice an act of radical love: strive to see the beauty in all people, especially those you struggle with. Part of this practice is recognizing that whether or not we show it, each of us moves through the world hiding scars, covering up what we think the world [would] deem ugly if we were truly seen. It is easy to see beauty and practice compassion toward those we like or enjoy the company of; it is far, far harder to see beauty and practice compassion in the face of people who frustrate us, or, worse yet, actively hate us. Practicing love in the face of oppression is incredibly difficult, but it starts small, with practicing love every time we struggle with another person for any reason.”

Questions of the morning:

  • How do you define true beauty?
  • Have you ever had the experience of practicing love or kindness in the face of oppression, anger or meanness?